Film,  Uncategorized

REVIEW: GREEN LANTERN (2011 aka The Bad One™)

Hey, WOBAMers. It’s your buddy Deadpool.

What, you expected someone different? Like Pauly Boy? Michael Shrek? John Juan? Joke’s on you, nematodes. Isak was gonna write this one, but he had a prior engagement with my fists a Louisville Slugger, so I’m filling in on this one. Got it? Let’s go…

Before I was this gorgeous red leatherman, I was lean and green. My name was Hal Jordan (God I love that name, it makes me sound so arrogant and full of myself). I was the best pilot out there. But before you could hear the microwave signal that the chimichanga’s ready, a purple alien (are we sure this takes place in the world of DC Comics?) told me that I had to go on a space adventure.

At first, I was against it, but I fast realized the benefits. Even if it meant being forced to defeat the monster from Blandastic Bore (where is my drumset?).

So what does this nice piece of pie think of his former biography? Imagine blending a half-assed chimichanga with last week’s pizza, and by a rat’s miracle getting something half-way digestible. The biggest reason is those sweet hot macaronis known as the actors. They are A+ in this one, my Cumberpools. Michael Clark Duncan was a lovely Kilowog, and hearing his saintly tones hit your ear is like pouring caramel on my favorite Fox cafeteria ice cream. Inversely, I can’t say that Ryan Reynolds guy wow’d me, but he sure gave it a go, which is a step up from marriage counseling with Scarlett.

However… and this is a sticking point… my looks are MUCH finer than the special effects. My upper lip is more handsome than the screenplay, and so is my pacing for that matter.

But when it comes down to it, I don’t *hate* Green Lantern. That movie’s like yesterday’s leftovers, because your money is dryer than Sunspot’s wit and you gotta eat something, right?

I give this movie 5/10 Funyun rings.

…no, wait. Make that zero. Funyuns are way too tasty to give to a DC movie…

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Merc with a Mouth. Except in that one film we don't talk about.