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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ALMOST HEROES’
Drinking Has Its Benefits Almost Heroes is the final leading role of comedy legend Chris Farley. Five months prior to its release, he tragically died of an overdose. With that dark cloud hanging over the film, it’s not altogether surprising it suffered at the box office. On a budget of $30 million, it grossed just $6.1 million. Its 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes probably didn’t help either. For fans of Farley’s work, though, there are things to be enjoyed about Almost Heroes. His trademark high energy and willful disregard for his body on are full display; and the gags are often quite comical as a result. So, Almost Heroes may not be peak Farley,…
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Hops and BOX Office Flops: ‘KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD’
Arthur Begins King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is a dramatic reimagining of the Arthurian legend. It is also evokes much of its director’s hallmark traits. This is Guy Ritchie’s take on King Arthur, for better and for worse. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword was a gamble. Budgeted at $175 million and with five sequels planned, WB had franchise desires in mind for it. With that much at stake, it’s odd they would butcher the edit of the film. Legend of the Sword, for all its insane visuals and Ritchie flair, is a narrative mess. It zooms from plot point to plot point, replacing essential connective tissue with bizarrely narrated montages.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT’
Mister, Mister Dracula Dead and Loving It is a typical Mel Brooks movie. It’s a spoof of Bram Stoker’s Dracula that’s light on plot, but full of goofy gags and childish humor. Unfortunately, it lacks the biting wit of most Brooks films. Despite the unending charms of comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, who portrays the titular Count, too many of the jokes simply do not land. Critics tend to agree. At 11% on Rotten Tomatoes with 37 reviews, Dracula Dead and Loving It is far from peak Brooks. Sure, there are subtle hints of his brilliance, but not enough to make it stand out. Hence why it also flopped, grossing a woeful $10.7 million…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MORBIUS’
It’s Morbin’ Time! Morbius is perhaps the most needless comic book movie ever made. Centered around a D-level Spider-Man villain, it lacks several crucial ingredients. First and foremost, Spider-Man is not in Morbius. In fact, contrary to what the trailers will have you believe, he’s barely even mentioned. Thus, it’s just a film about an anti-hero who’s uninteresting. That would be fine if the plot, script, acting, action, or anything, quite frankly, worked. Morbius is a mess. Both the titular vampire and his plot conveniently evil foil, Milo, are paper thin caricatures. Milo, or Lucian played by Matt Smith, is bad because Morbius needs someone to fight. His actions, and that of the plot at…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN’
Toothless Vampire in Brooklyn is the antithesis of funny. Worse, it’s not at all scary either. When assessing who was involved in its production, neither of those statements should be true. Directed by horror master Wes Craven and principally written by Eddie Murphy (the film’s star), the pedigree was there for it to be a comedic-scare fest. Instead, it’s a muddled and confused mess that too often borders on the offensive. Murphy certainly attempts to run back some gags that worked in the past, but they’re all half-baked. The whole exercise just feels lazy. Listeners, there’s just no blood running through Vampire in Brooklyn‘s veins. Hence its soft box office—$35 million worldwide…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘GALLOW WALKERS’
Bladey the Kid Gallow Walkers is wild west Blade, only if Blade was terrible and went straight to DVD. With a $17 million budget, that probably wasn’t the plan. But, shit happens and Gallow Walkers is indeed that unsavory term. It’s sort of a shame because the movie isn’t devoid of interesting ideas. It just executes them poorly, is stuffed with an insane amount of backstory for a 90-minute film, and boasts costumes and sets that look to be straight out of a local theater production. And it doesn’t help that the plot makes very little sense. Wesley Snipes is Aman (“a man”), a drifter who roams the wasteland murdering Gallow Walkers (the undead, sort of). One problem: Anyone…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE’
Knuckle Bump The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is an ode to Disney’s 1940 film Fantasia. Born from an idea Nicolas Cage had, it builds an entire mythos from that brief section of the aforementioned film. Balthazar Blake, Cage, is a sorcerer searching for the rightful heir to Merlin—his former master. He was given a ring by the legendary wizard as he lie dying. That ring will signal the chosen one, who happens to be a bumbling nerd, Dave (played by Jay Baruchel). Anyway, it’s all fairly silly and dumb, but also decently fun. That is thanks in part to Alfred Molina’s Horvath—the sorcerer who betrayed Merlin and Balthazar, aligning himself with the evil Morgana.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT’
Nic F’n Cage! The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is an absolute joy bomb for fans of Nicolas Cage. Playing a fictionalized version of himself, Cage delivers a top-tier performance. It should remind everyone that, to summarize his character in the film, he never really went anywhere. This is as thoughtful and well written an ode to the long, winding career of Cage could be. He’s able to channel his younger self; dive headfirst into the neuroses that defined some of his best work; and, all the while, he’s not afraid to laugh at or embrace the more absurd aspects of his acting choices. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is a…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MANDY’
Chainsaw Fight Mandy is an absolutely bonkers, psychedelic acid trip loaded with blood, violence, and raw nerve. It’s a tragic film—one where a man witnesses his beloved be burned alive by a religious cult. This action, of course, leaves him no other option than revenge. The brutality, though visually striking, is only a small portion of the movie’s brilliance. Directed by Panos Cosmatos—son of famed director George P. Cosmatos—Mandy delights in its 80s look and feel. It utilizes atmosphere, unique colors, and framing to build upon the disturbing world it forces upon us. Mandy is unapologetically itself; and whether someone wants to be on that ride may depend on their tastes. This can…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘WILLY’S WONDERLAND’
It’s Your Birthday Willy’s Wonderland is delightful schlock. An unabashed Five Nights at Freddy’s ripoff, it stars Nicolas Cage as the Janitor—the silent protagonist who is stuck cleaning Willy’s Wonderland to pay off a debt. It should come as no surprise that the titular establishment is not on the level. In fact, its troupe of animatronic mascots are actually reanimated serial killers who committed ritualistic suicide before the authorities could apprehend them. Enter the Janitor. He’s there to take out the trash, literally. He is supposed to be the prey, offered to Willy’s Wonderland as a sacrifice from the town. Instead, he is the predator, eliminating Willy’s crew one by one in a variety of violent ways. And…
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