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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THREE THOUSAND YEARS OF LONGING’
Not Worth the Wait Three Thousand Years of Longing is George Miller’s much anticipated return to cinemas. Post Mad Max: Fury Road, expectations were high for his next project. Sadly, Three Thousand Years of Longing can’t live up to the lofty expectations of its filmmaker’s predecessor. It’s not a bad movie by any means; but its tale of a lonely woman finding love and purpose through an ancient Djinn isn’t exactly compelling either. Apparently, audiences agreed. On a budget of $60 million, it failed to pass even $20 million. In essence, Three Thousand Years of Longing couldn’t conjure the magic Miller and co. hoped it would. Now, sit back, fulfill your thirst desires with a Desert Magic IPA…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE NORTHMAN’
Naked Volcano Fight The Northman is a wild, Viking fever dream. So, if you’re a fan of their mythology and lore, you will probably love it. If not, then The Northman is a tough one to recommend. It is loaded with weird imagery and historical Viking rituals that will make little to no sense if you’re not familiar with them. Hence, it’s disappointing box office return. It grossed just $69.6 million on a budget of $90 million. Though those numbers were both highs for director Robert Eggers, the former makes it a flop. Despite its financial stumble, The Northman is a wonderful film to look at. Shot in various locations across Europe, it is, quite simply,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘BLACK ADAM’
It’s Electrifying Black Adam was supposed to change the hierarchy of the DC Universe. Instead, it tanked with critics and couldn’t conjure enough magic at the box office to earn a sequel. Thus, it appears the Rock’s long awaited appearance as the anti-hero is a one and done. Frankly, that kind of sucks because Black Adam is an entertaining movie. It’s a flawed one, to be sure, but watching the titular hero mow down bad guys is a hell of a lot of fun. Throw in an exceptional Pierce Brosnan portrayal of Dr. Fate, as well as a more than capable Hawkman adaptation (played by Aldis Hodge), and the groundwork for a bigger,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE WIZARD’
It’s So Bad The Wizard is a needlessly dark road trip movie about a young boy trying to find closure after the death of his twin sister. The rest of the movie doesn’t seem to understand that because that portion of the plot was written at the last minute, so it plays much more like a kids version of Rain Man, where the older brother exploits his younger, video game master brother for his own financial gain. Literally. The Wizard, as it juggles it darker elements, also serves as a commercial for Nintendo. An antagonist sports the Power Glove; it boasts several scenes of the titular boy wonder excelling at arcade games that are actually their Nintendo versions; and it culminates…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MARS ATTACKS!’
Ak Ak Mars Attacks! is based upon a series of Topps trading cards released in the early 1960s. And it certainly pays homage to its inspiration. Unfortunately, its also a narrative mess that fails to get the most out of its stacked cast. Mars Attacks! features an all-star lineup. It’s got Jack Nicholson in two roles, Jim Brown, Joe Don Baker, Annette Bening, Glenn Close, Michael J. Fox, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Pierce Brosnan, just to name a few. And, yes, their presence is felt, but outside of Nicholson, who’s terrific as a Las Vegas Huckster and the President, they all have nothing to do. That is the great failing of Mars Attacks! It wants…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘GI JOE: THE MOVIE’
At Ease, Disease GI Joe: The Movie was meant for big things. Like Transformers and My Little Pony, it would be the property’s big screen debut. The failures of those two prevented it from ever getting the chance, though. Even worse, it was meant to serve as a lead-in to the third season of the television show that, ultimately, never happened. Well, it sort of did, but far later and with a different animation studio at the helm. Essentially, it’s all a big “what if?”, but if you love the toys, then the odds are good you will love GI Joe: The Movie. It introduces a host of new Cobra and Joe characters to enjoy and…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘RIPD’
Here Come the Men in Flak RIPD— the Rest in Peace Department—is based upon a comic of the same name. We’re not sure about the source material, but the film is just a unabashed Men in Black ripoff. There’s the wisecracking rookie who’s new to the job; and the crotchety old vet who’s stuck with him. Their job is to protect the earth from monstrous spirits, or deados, who walk among them, avoiding their fate in the afterlife. So, let’s run this down. Secret government agency? Check. Young, quippy star? Check. Elder curmudgeon? Check. And plot that revolves around said agency protecting the unsuspecting public from a threat they have no idea…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MYSTERY, ALASKA’
The Mighty Yuks Mystery, Alaska is a classic underdog tale. The small town who lives for hockey is thrust into the spotlight when given the opportunity to faceoff against the NHL’s New York Rangers (those rascally Rags). Starring Russel Crowe— who was at the peak of his leading man powers—as sheriff/defenseman John Biebe, the movie centers on the sleepy Alaskan town of Mystery. It’s a place that takes pride in many things, but hockey is really its treasure. Thus, when the opportunity arises for them to play the aforementioned Rags, the town is abuzz. Throw in some drama around old romances, unfaithful spouses, leaky locker room betrayal, and an old curmudgeon…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘NECESSARY ROUGHNESS’
Welcome to Foot … Balls Necessary Roughness is very much just Major League on the gridiron, featuring a ragtag group of footballers who must rise to the occasion in the face of great adversity. And it’s 100% a 90s gem. Necessary Roughness is sort of the sequel to The Program we never got. In it, the Texas State Armadillos are mired in scandals. As a result, their team has all had their scholarships revoked, leaving the university to cobble together a team of never weres. Enter, Paul Blake, played by the remarkably handsome Scott Bakula. He’s a long forgotten QB who sacrificed his shot at glory to tend to the family farm. Alongside a crew of literal…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘TRUE ROMANCE’
It’s White Boy Day Written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Tony Scott, True Romance is everything we love about the lawless ass 90s. It’s unapologetically profane and violent, more than a bit dated, but also utterly rewatchable. This is due in large part to its incredible cast. From Gary Oldman as Rastafarian pimp Drexl, to a pre-Sopranos James Gandolfini as mafia heavy Virgil, to Brad Pitt as stoner Floyd, this movie is overflowing with stars in the making. And those three are barely even in it. That’s how incredible this cast is. Christian Slater, who stars as Clarence Worley, and Patricia Arquette, who plays his love interest Alabama, are surrounded by top-tier performances.…
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