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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘F9: THE FAST SAGA’
Space Cars! F9: The Fast Saga—as utterly absurd as it is—is the natural progression of a series that’s always running on overdrive. Dominic Toretto, Vin Diesel, and co. were destined for this film’s convoluted, bloated, and baffling narrative. Now, those may sound like knocks against it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I just don’t care how illogical the plots of these films have become. They are just too much damn fun. Dom has a secret spy brother? Sure. Why they hell not?! Magnets! How do they work? Doesn’t matter. Just bask in the awesomeness of the high octane action! Han, who was killed twice technically in cannon, returns out…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘LEGEND’
Glitter and Bubbles Legend is a bizarre fantasy fever dream—one rife with an excess of pollen, bubbles, and glitter. These things are literally everywhere, folks. They flood the beautiful scenery and are unrelenting. Also unrelenting is the film’s glaring lack of plot. If you kill the unicorns, the world will be cloaked in darkness. That’s the movie. Jack o’ the Green, Tom Cruise, must atone for his mistake of introducing his crush Lili, Mia Sara, to the wonderous creatures by killing the Lord of Darkness, Tim Curry, and taking back the severed alicorn. It’s pretty to look at, wildly dumb, and almost entirely remembered for Curry’s dazzling turn as the Lord…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘KRULL’
Murder Frisbee Krull is a pseudo cult classic. It’s got some kick ass box art and a host of ideas that nostalgia clouds as being awesome. But when revisiting it, neither of those two things amount to much. Why? Well, Krull is chock full world-building. It’s got a Cyclops, a cannibalistic crystal spider, horses whose speed creates a trail of flame, and so much more. But none of them are fleshed out all that well; and most of it is just ripped from better properties. And that’s because Krull was a cash grab—meant to capitalize on the popularity of those other IPs. Fantasy, in particular space operas, were kind of a thing in the late…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘CONAN THE BARBARIAN’
What’s Worst in Life? 2011’s Conan the Barbarian is as bad of a reboot of a classic film as you are going to find. It’s just a mess, folks. Its script is often witless, contradicting itself multiple times; and its cast—as distinguished as some of their careers may be—just don’t fit the roles. Worst of all, Jason Mamoa, who plays the titular hero, just didn’t appear ready to bear the weight of Conan‘s broad sword. As much as the filmmakers purported they wanted to channel the writings of Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan the Barbarian, it more shamelessly robs better films. It should come as no surprise then that this was a massive flop.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE VOID’
Right Next Door to Hell From the directing team of Jeremy Gillespie and Steven Kostanski—the latter of which helmed indie hit PG: Psycho Goreman—The Void is a tension-fueled ride that relies heavily on practical effects and pace to maximize its sense of dread. It works. And it is worth your investigation, especially if you are a fan of Lovecraftian horror. Those inspirations are quite evident. The Void involves a cult, a small town, and the cosmic terrors that lie outside our consciousness. That conceit isn’t all that original, but its execution is what sets the film apart. From its ominous opening onward, Gillespie and Kostanski build an uneasy atmosphere—an uncertainty akin to what lurks beyond.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE RUNDOWN’
The Rock and Walk Connection The Rundown is a legitimately good action movie. Directed by Peter Berg, in what was his second feature film, it showcases the Rock’s size and athletic abilities—while also utilizing his expansive charm. It was an indicator for how well rounded he could be as a leading man. One of the movie’s tests of that is its pairing of him with Seann Williams Scott and Christopher Walken. The former is his comedic foil; the latter is the film’s villain. Scott has rarely been less funny, leaving much of the burden on the Rock to carry their interactions. Walken, on the other hand, is incredible as Hatcher, an…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘WALKING TALL’
Swing and a Miss Walking Tall is a remake of 1973 film starring Joe Don Baker. It’s also “inspired” by a real-life sheriff, Buford Pusser, who patrolled the crime-laden streets of McNairy County, Tennessee, with a crudely fashioned cudgel. That’s essentially the movie. The Rock walks softly and carries a big stick. As a conceit, that sounds like it could be pretty badass. Walking Tall is just executed poorly. It’s hokey and feels far more like straight-to-DVD fare than an action showcase for its star. Worse, the fisticuffs and fireworks just can’t sustain the silly plot that surround them. There’s an entire shootout where the Rock’s paramour just wears her bra because ……
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DOOM’
Dull, Dark, and Dumb Doom carries on the proud tradition of terrible video game movies. It’s bad, folks. Real bad. Most offensive, it basically does nothing to harness the insanity of the property that inspired it. This is a Doom movie in name only. Sure, the BFG is in it, sort of; and there are hellacious creatures. They are just mostly uninspired fare. Well, maybe they’re inspired, but you can’t see them because the whole film is so dark. Outside of the first-person shooter scene, which channels the spirit of the game excellently, this thing is as boring as they come. With a poor script, trope-tastic characters, and aimless direction, Doom opened the portal to…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘BAYWATCH’
We’re Oceanic Baywatch is a bad movie. Sorry, Rock, but it’s true. And it’s frankly one of the worst movies based on a TV show. To be fair, that’s a crowded field. Many of them are awful. This just sort of treads water among the filth. That’s due in large part to the fact that it is rarely funny. It wants so desperately to be 21 Jump Street. That approach makes sense. Jump Street was able to capitalize on its premise, while also satirizing its absurdity. Baywatch—despite the wealth to be mined from the show’s preposterousness—can’t seem to muster the energy to maintain a 15-minute sketch about lifeguards going far beyond their actual job…
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ARMY OF THE DEAD REVIEW: Jackpot!
2021 is five months old, and two of its best films belong to Zack Snyder. With Army of the Dead—his first foray with the decaying since 2004’s Dawn of the Dead—Snyder has crafted a grisly and gratifying world. It’s a sandbox all his own, allowing him the freedom to go for broke. That brash style may not suit all genres, but it works perfectly here. There is no greater indicator of that than the movie’s opening credits. After we witness the inciting incident—the escape of the alpha zombie—we then bask in the murderous mayhem of the zombie horde descending on Vegas. The ramifications of which are painted through a montage…
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