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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MORBIUS’
It’s Morbin’ Time! Morbius is perhaps the most needless comic book movie ever made. Centered around a D-level Spider-Man villain, it lacks several crucial ingredients. First and foremost, Spider-Man is not in Morbius. In fact, contrary to what the trailers will have you believe, he’s barely even mentioned. Thus, it’s just a film about an anti-hero who’s uninteresting. That would be fine if the plot, script, acting, action, or anything, quite frankly, worked. Morbius is a mess. Both the titular vampire and his plot conveniently evil foil, Milo, are paper thin caricatures. Milo, or Lucian played by Matt Smith, is bad because Morbius needs someone to fight. His actions, and that of the plot at…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN’
Toothless Vampire in Brooklyn is the antithesis of funny. Worse, it’s not at all scary either. When assessing who was involved in its production, neither of those statements should be true. Directed by horror master Wes Craven and principally written by Eddie Murphy (the film’s star), the pedigree was there for it to be a comedic-scare fest. Instead, it’s a muddled and confused mess that too often borders on the offensive. Murphy certainly attempts to run back some gags that worked in the past, but they’re all half-baked. The whole exercise just feels lazy. Listeners, there’s just no blood running through Vampire in Brooklyn‘s veins. Hence its soft box office—$35 million worldwide…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘GALLOW WALKERS’
Bladey the Kid Gallow Walkers is wild west Blade, only if Blade was terrible and went straight to DVD. With a $17 million budget, that probably wasn’t the plan. But, shit happens and Gallow Walkers is indeed that unsavory term. It’s sort of a shame because the movie isn’t devoid of interesting ideas. It just executes them poorly, is stuffed with an insane amount of backstory for a 90-minute film, and boasts costumes and sets that look to be straight out of a local theater production. And it doesn’t help that the plot makes very little sense. Wesley Snipes is Aman (“a man”), a drifter who roams the wasteland murdering Gallow Walkers (the undead, sort of). One problem: Anyone…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE’
Knuckle Bump The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is an ode to Disney’s 1940 film Fantasia. Born from an idea Nicolas Cage had, it builds an entire mythos from that brief section of the aforementioned film. Balthazar Blake, Cage, is a sorcerer searching for the rightful heir to Merlin—his former master. He was given a ring by the legendary wizard as he lie dying. That ring will signal the chosen one, who happens to be a bumbling nerd, Dave (played by Jay Baruchel). Anyway, it’s all fairly silly and dumb, but also decently fun. That is thanks in part to Alfred Molina’s Horvath—the sorcerer who betrayed Merlin and Balthazar, aligning himself with the evil Morgana.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT’
Nic F’n Cage! The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is an absolute joy bomb for fans of Nicolas Cage. Playing a fictionalized version of himself, Cage delivers a top-tier performance. It should remind everyone that, to summarize his character in the film, he never really went anywhere. This is as thoughtful and well written an ode to the long, winding career of Cage could be. He’s able to channel his younger self; dive headfirst into the neuroses that defined some of his best work; and, all the while, he’s not afraid to laugh at or embrace the more absurd aspects of his acting choices. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is a…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MANDY’
Chainsaw Fight Mandy is an absolutely bonkers, psychedelic acid trip loaded with blood, violence, and raw nerve. It’s a tragic film—one where a man witnesses his beloved be burned alive by a religious cult. This action, of course, leaves him no other option than revenge. The brutality, though visually striking, is only a small portion of the movie’s brilliance. Directed by Panos Cosmatos—son of famed director George P. Cosmatos—Mandy delights in its 80s look and feel. It utilizes atmosphere, unique colors, and framing to build upon the disturbing world it forces upon us. Mandy is unapologetically itself; and whether someone wants to be on that ride may depend on their tastes. This can…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘WILLY’S WONDERLAND’
It’s Your Birthday Willy’s Wonderland is delightful schlock. An unabashed Five Nights at Freddy’s ripoff, it stars Nicolas Cage as the Janitor—the silent protagonist who is stuck cleaning Willy’s Wonderland to pay off a debt. It should come as no surprise that the titular establishment is not on the level. In fact, its troupe of animatronic mascots are actually reanimated serial killers who committed ritualistic suicide before the authorities could apprehend them. Enter the Janitor. He’s there to take out the trash, literally. He is supposed to be the prey, offered to Willy’s Wonderland as a sacrifice from the town. Instead, he is the predator, eliminating Willy’s crew one by one in a variety of violent ways. And…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘BLACK FRIDAY’
Not Worth the Bargain Black Friday is like if someone took Dawn of the Dead, Army of Darkness, and The Mist, threw them all in a blender, but somehow removed any of the ingredients that made those films so memorable. Biting social criticism? Well, it is there; it just doesn’t work. Humor and over the top, practical gore? Both are in far too short supply. Dramatic tension? Sorry, there are no real scares to speak of. This one, folks, is dead on arrival. And even if it is available for a mega sale, it’s not worth the bargain. Somehow, though, critics did not eviscerate it like one of the insatiable mutants would an unsuspecting…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ANNIHILATION’
It’s a Metaphor Annihilation is based upon a 2014 novel of the same name. And it is director Alex Garland’s follow up to his highly acclaimed directorial debut Ex Machina. Like that title, Annihilation is much more than the sum of its parts. Certainly, it is a Sci-Fi film where a team of women head into the unknown, the Shimmer as its called, to identify the source of the invading entity. But that is just the surface. Annihilation is also about marital infidelity and the cost our decisions have on the ones we love. The setting is more a metaphorical trapping for how such things irrevocably change us. Yes, listeners, this is highbrow fare, and…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACCOON CITY’
Itchy, but Not So Tasty Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City is the seventh live-action iteration of the storied video game franchise. Sadly, like its predecessors, it fails to live up to the legacy of the series. Yes, folks, Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City is yet another uninspired video game adaptation. But unlike the Paul W.S. Anderson saga, this at least sticks close to the source material. Raccoon City is a reboot, carrying no connection to the insipid six that came before it. In fact, it is essentially a narrative retelling of the first two games. In principle, that sounds like a good idea, but there’s a reason there were two of them.…
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