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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE WIZARD’
It’s So Bad The Wizard is a needlessly dark road trip movie about a young boy trying to find closure after the death of his twin sister. The rest of the movie doesn’t seem to understand that because that portion of the plot was written at the last minute, so it plays much more like a kids version of Rain Man, where the older brother exploits his younger, video game master brother for his own financial gain. Literally. The Wizard, as it juggles it darker elements, also serves as a commercial for Nintendo. An antagonist sports the Power Glove; it boasts several scenes of the titular boy wonder excelling at arcade games that are actually their Nintendo versions; and it culminates…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘GI JOE: THE MOVIE’
At Ease, Disease GI Joe: The Movie was meant for big things. Like Transformers and My Little Pony, it would be the property’s big screen debut. The failures of those two prevented it from ever getting the chance, though. Even worse, it was meant to serve as a lead-in to the third season of the television show that, ultimately, never happened. Well, it sort of did, but far later and with a different animation studio at the helm. Essentially, it’s all a big “what if?”, but if you love the toys, then the odds are good you will love GI Joe: The Movie. It introduces a host of new Cobra and Joe characters to enjoy and…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ROAD HOUSE’
Our Way or the Highway Road House is everything an action movie should be. Its premise is over the top, its plot is utterly nonsensical, and none of the people involved seem to be aware of it. Starring Patrick Swayze, who was fresh off of Dirty Dancing, Road House presents the all too relatable plot of: What if you’re a doorman in a small town run by a vengeful crook? Well, if you’re Dalton (Swayze), you beat the snot out of a lot of people while wearing pleated pants and billowy linen shirts. That’s Road House in a nut shell. Brad Wesley—played by a scenery chewing Ben Gazzara—makes it his personal mission to destroy Dalton’s life,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DEADBEAT AT DAWN’
Straight Outta Dayton Deadbeat at Dawn is essentially a student film. Jim Van Bebber, Chumpzilla’s childhood neighbor, dropped out of college and used his student loans to fund it. It is unapologetic exploitation cinema from the warped mind of Van Bebber, and it is glorious. It’s violent, obscene, odd, overwritten, and surprisingly boasts action scenes that outshine crap we’ve done on the pod from far more expensive movies. It’s sort of shocking how well done some of it is. Thus, there’s no denying that Deadbeat at Dawn, which cost roughly $10,000, does display Van Bebber’s talent. That said, it is also just sort of a bizarre mishmash of better films—Death Wish and The Warriors,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THEY LIVE’
All Out of Bubblegum They Live is a bonafide cult classic. And it works not only as a critique on rampant consumerism and Reagan-era economics, but also as a guilty pleasure action movie. The premise is simple: Nada—played by “Rowdy” Roddy Piper—is awakened to the horrific reality the world is actually living in through the lenses of special sunglasses. That world is one run by an unknown alien race, who are bleeding humans dry and lulling them into complacency through the content they absorb. Television, billboards, magazines, and even money all instruct people to do as they are told—to not think or have imagination. Carpenter’s intentions are about as subtle as…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: TOP SECRET! – We Know a Little German
Top Secret! was the team of Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker’s follow up to their incredibly successful Airplane! It, like its predecessor, is an indescribably goofy movie—full of off the wall gags, jokes, and non-sequiturs. If you have seen Airplane!, you will understand what kind of humor it is. These guys were the kings of this style of comedy, and Top Secret! certainly lives up to that pedigree. It also introduced moviegoers to Val Kilmer. This was his big screen debut, and it’s clear why he went on to become a household name. Where this movie suffers is a lack of clear narrative focus and a truly defined world. It is set in immediate…
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