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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN’
Toothless Vampire in Brooklyn is the antithesis of funny. Worse, it’s not at all scary either. When assessing who was involved in its production, neither of those statements should be true. Directed by horror master Wes Craven and principally written by Eddie Murphy (the film’s star), the pedigree was there for it to be a comedic-scare fest. Instead, it’s a muddled and confused mess that too often borders on the offensive. Murphy certainly attempts to run back some gags that worked in the past, but they’re all half-baked. The whole exercise just feels lazy. Listeners, there’s just no blood running through Vampire in Brooklyn‘s veins. Hence its soft box office—$35 million worldwide…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘SHOWDOWN IN LITTLE TOKYO’
Samurai Cop Showdown in Little Tokyo is indisputably a bad movie, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a heck of a lot of fun. Starring Dolph Lundgren as Sgt. Chris Kenner and Brandon Lee as his partner Johnny Murata, it desperately wants to be Lethal Weapon. Unfortunately, it lacks the wit, charm, and overall directing acumen that film had. Instead, this is a low budget 90s flick with a seedy aesthetic that rises above its mediocre quality because of some insane, though unintentionally hilarious, scenes. Seriously folks, the way the villain bites it in this movie is one of the all-time great cinema deaths. All that said, this movie tanked. That wasn’t entirely…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DOUBLE TEAM’
Spy Island Double Team is an ill conceived 1997 action film that attempts to capitalize on the waning star power of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman. Though each had experienced much success in their respective careers, this came far after each of their sell by dates. For Van Damme, who stars as Jack Quinn, a series of misses and a well known issue with drugs took their toll. The latter can be said for Rodman, as well. His partying has been well documented. Thus, this was Van Damme’s big attempt at a come back. He needed a win. Rodman, more than likely, was just along for the ride. For the director—Chinese film…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘FIRESTORM’
You Still Alive, Smokejumper?! Firestorm, which is essentially Die Hard set amidst a forest fire, is as bad as you’d expect a movie that stars an ex-NFL player to be. That said, it’s still dumb fun, and it is anchored by another deliciously evil turn from William Forsythe. He plays Shaye—an escaped convict who engineered the fire, so he could reclaim his stashed millions. Unfortunately for him, these are Jesse Graves’ woods! Jesse, played as varying degrees of confused by Howie Long, can throw axes super well and knows his way around an inferno. Thus, there is only one possible way for their showdown to end—with Shaye’s head melted by the smoldering…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘STONE COLD’
Mullets and Motorcycles Stone Cold is a perfect piece of 90s cinema. It’s hyper-masculine, nonsensical schlock; and it is glorious. Starring Brian Bosworth—a stud linebacker from Oklahoma University whose injuries derailed his NFL career—Stone Cold chronicles one man’s struggle to bring a gang of degenerate bikers to justice. Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. And it’s just entertaining enough that one wonders why Bosworth didn’t become more of a thing. After all, the 80s and 90s were littered with sub-par action films and actors. He had the build, and though he wasn’t exactly overflowing with charisma, he still oozed enough cool with his ridiculous haircut/earring combo to warrant better work…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘STRIKING DISTANCE’
Jagoff Cops Striking Distance is a fairly stereotypical 90s cop movie, but with a twist: Bruce Willis’ hairline! From scene to scene it shifts dramatically. Balding Bruce, which we must assume is the Bruce from the original shooting, transforms into toupee Bruce multiple times throughout the movie—sometimes from one cut to the next. It’s astounding. The wig—despite its omnipresence—is not the hook of the film, though. Striking Distance follows the downward trajectory of former homicide detective Tom Hardy. He’s now a river rescue cop. Why? Well, he sold out his partner, and was shunned by the other boys in blue. Ok, but what’s the rest of the movie about? Oh, there’s also a…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE ROCKETEER’
The Antifa Adventurer That isn’t Dr. Jones The Rocketeer is a beloved 1991 Disney film. Based on Dave Stevens’ comic series, which debuted in 1982, it revolves around stunt pilot Cliff Secord’s (Bill Campbell) fortuitous discovery of a jetpack created by Howard Hughes. Of course, adventure ensues. The character was created as a tribute to the 1930s serials that had inspired wonder in the youth of their day. Both the comics and film execute that homage perfectly. The Rocketeer is indeed a cult classic. Loaded with charm—which is anchored by the majestic score of James Horner—it serves as a delightful reminder of the comic book films of yesteryear. Those films had to rely far…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘EVENT HORIZON’
Brain Dead Space Event Horizon was Paul W.S. Anderson’s follow up to Mortal Kombat. At the time, he was highly sought after. In the wake of that movie’s success, he was offered the sequel to MK and even an X-Men film, amongst other things. Wanting to veer away from PG-13 fare, Anderson settled on Event Horizon. The basic premise of the film is that a salvage crew is dispatched to secure the titular ship, the Event Horizon, which has been missing for seven years. What they find is not something they will ever un-see, even if they don’t need eyes to do so. Why? Well, in the ship’s journey through the pockets of space, it took a detour. As…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘TIN CUP’
Bland Trap Tin Cup re-teams director Ron Shelton with his Bull Durham star Kevin Costner. The pairing, which was stellar in 1988’s Durham, fails to rediscover the magic of that film. That’s primarily because Roy McAvoy, the titular Tin Cup, just isn’t likable. He’s an obtuse man-child—much more akin to “Nuke” Laloosh than “Crash” Davis. And his foibles, which are on full display throughout, are never adequately addressed. One would be justified in arguing that his growth arc may actually be a negative one. Despite that, there is fun to be had on the back nine, especially if you ignore the forced romance sub-plot; and Tin Cup is at its best when it’s tapping into the more spirited aspects…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: “ED”
Monkey Trouble Ed is a movie centering around a chimpanzee who just so happens to be exceptional at baseball. As a concept, that sounds ridiculous, but kids movies have worked with that conceit—take Air Bud as an example. But Ed is a travesty. Plain and simple. It’s unfunny, nonsensical schlock, and it probably killed the notion that Matt LeBlanc could be bankable as a leading man. The film’s failings are not his fault. As devoid of charm as he may be in it, it’s just a rudderless enterprise. Other than the novelty of a chimp—who once belonged to Mickey Mantle—having a golden glove, there’s a distinct lack of focus. Ed ping pongs between plot points we’ve…
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