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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MARS ATTACKS!’
Ak Ak Mars Attacks! is based upon a series of Topps trading cards released in the early 1960s. And it certainly pays homage to its inspiration. Unfortunately, its also a narrative mess that fails to get the most out of its stacked cast. Mars Attacks! features an all-star lineup. It’s got Jack Nicholson in two roles, Jim Brown, Joe Don Baker, Annette Bening, Glenn Close, Michael J. Fox, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Pierce Brosnan, just to name a few. And, yes, their presence is felt, but outside of Nicholson, who’s terrific as a Las Vegas Huckster and the President, they all have nothing to do. That is the great failing of Mars Attacks! It wants…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MYSTERY, ALASKA’
The Mighty Yuks Mystery, Alaska is a classic underdog tale. The small town who lives for hockey is thrust into the spotlight when given the opportunity to faceoff against the NHL’s New York Rangers (those rascally Rags). Starring Russel Crowe— who was at the peak of his leading man powers—as sheriff/defenseman John Biebe, the movie centers on the sleepy Alaskan town of Mystery. It’s a place that takes pride in many things, but hockey is really its treasure. Thus, when the opportunity arises for them to play the aforementioned Rags, the town is abuzz. Throw in some drama around old romances, unfaithful spouses, leaky locker room betrayal, and an old curmudgeon…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘NECESSARY ROUGHNESS’
Welcome to Foot … Balls Necessary Roughness is very much just Major League on the gridiron, featuring a ragtag group of footballers who must rise to the occasion in the face of great adversity. And it’s 100% a 90s gem. Necessary Roughness is sort of the sequel to The Program we never got. In it, the Texas State Armadillos are mired in scandals. As a result, their team has all had their scholarships revoked, leaving the university to cobble together a team of never weres. Enter, Paul Blake, played by the remarkably handsome Scott Bakula. He’s a long forgotten QB who sacrificed his shot at glory to tend to the family farm. Alongside a crew of literal…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘TRUE ROMANCE’
It’s White Boy Day Written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Tony Scott, True Romance is everything we love about the lawless ass 90s. It’s unapologetically profane and violent, more than a bit dated, but also utterly rewatchable. This is due in large part to its incredible cast. From Gary Oldman as Rastafarian pimp Drexl, to a pre-Sopranos James Gandolfini as mafia heavy Virgil, to Brad Pitt as stoner Floyd, this movie is overflowing with stars in the making. And those three are barely even in it. That’s how incredible this cast is. Christian Slater, who stars as Clarence Worley, and Patricia Arquette, who plays his love interest Alabama, are surrounded by top-tier performances.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘CRITTERS 4’
Space Fur Balls Critters 4 is was the second film in the franchise to go straight to video. And it continued the trend of shrinking the scale of the story being told. Like Critters 3, which was set in an apartment building, Critters 4 confines its characters to a claustrophobic space station and gives them very few Crites to deal with. There are literally only two titular Critters in the movie. That feisty alien duo isn’t enough to generate sufficient kills or scares to make this an entertaining entry in the series. Thus despite bringing back franchise favorite Charlie, played as always by Don Keith Hopper, and boasting the talents of horror icon Brad…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘LEPRECHAUN 4 – IN SPACE’
Irish Emmanuelle in Space Leprechaun 4: In Space is about as low budget as a horror movie sequel can get. Released straight to video in 1997 and produced for a whopping $3 million, it gives most local theater productions a run for their money in terms of set design and costumes. But, should we really expect anything else? Leprechaun 4 is the second of the sequels to be banished directly to video store shelves, and it further frays the series’ strands of believability. Vegas sort of makes sense. But space? Odd plot aside—which involves the titular fairy wooing an alien princess in the hopes of becoming king—Leprechaun 4lacks most of the elements necessary…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘HELLRAISER IV: BLOODLINE
Written by a Pinhead Hellraiser IV: Bloodline is a typical late 80s/early 90s horror sequel; as in, it’s a cash grab. Sure, it takes Pinhead and his Cenobite minions to space (sort of), but it has nothing truly unique to offer to the series’ lore. And the space element, which was so popular amongst fledgling horror franchises that we’re dedicating an entire month to it, isn’t even present the majority of the film. Hellraiser IV revolves much more around its subtitle, “Bloodline.” It chronicles the history of Lemarchand’s Box, the puzzle box that unlocks the gateway to Hell, covering its original design by French toymaker Philip Lemarchand, through its ultimate use to lock…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘PREDATOR 2’
Pred Harder Predator 2 isn’t a bad movie; it’s just a disappointing one. That’s mainly because it pales in comparison to its predecessor, failing to up the ante in any meaningful way. Sure, there is more gore and curse words, but the narrative is a mess. Predator 2 is just an amalgamation of better movies from the genre with the adversarial alien added to the mix. That works just enough for it not to be a total disaster. But, its failure at the box office can certainly be attributed to its slapdash plot and haphazard direction. Aside from a missing in action Arnold, the most glaring weaknesses of Predator 2 are in the execution of…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ALMOST HEROES’
Drinking Has Its Benefits Almost Heroes is the final leading role of comedy legend Chris Farley. Five months prior to its release, he tragically died of an overdose. With that dark cloud hanging over the film, it’s not altogether surprising it suffered at the box office. On a budget of $30 million, it grossed just $6.1 million. Its 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes probably didn’t help either. For fans of Farley’s work, though, there are things to be enjoyed about Almost Heroes. His trademark high energy and willful disregard for his body on are full display; and the gags are often quite comical as a result. So, Almost Heroes may not be peak Farley,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT’
Mister, Mister Dracula Dead and Loving It is a typical Mel Brooks movie. It’s a spoof of Bram Stoker’s Dracula that’s light on plot, but full of goofy gags and childish humor. Unfortunately, it lacks the biting wit of most Brooks films. Despite the unending charms of comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, who portrays the titular Count, too many of the jokes simply do not land. Critics tend to agree. At 11% on Rotten Tomatoes with 37 reviews, Dracula Dead and Loving It is far from peak Brooks. Sure, there are subtle hints of his brilliance, but not enough to make it stand out. Hence why it also flopped, grossing a woeful $10.7 million…
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