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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THREE THOUSAND YEARS OF LONGING’
Not Worth the Wait Three Thousand Years of Longing is George Miller’s much anticipated return to cinemas. Post Mad Max: Fury Road, expectations were high for his next project. Sadly, Three Thousand Years of Longing can’t live up to the lofty expectations of its filmmaker’s predecessor. It’s not a bad movie by any means; but its tale of a lonely woman finding love and purpose through an ancient Djinn isn’t exactly compelling either. Apparently, audiences agreed. On a budget of $60 million, it failed to pass even $20 million. In essence, Three Thousand Years of Longing couldn’t conjure the magic Miller and co. hoped it would. Now, sit back, fulfill your thirst desires with a Desert Magic IPA…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ’47 RONIN’
Ronin with My Homies 47 Ronin is a Hollywood-sized retelling of a famous Japanese legend. It’s full of mystical CGI beasts and absurd witchcraft. Why? Who the hell really knows, but apparently the executives wanted something in the vein of the Hobbit movies. Yes, a recurring theme on this pod is that too often the people running the studio let their bad ideas seep into the product. 47 Ronin did not need a monstrous budget to be captivating. The actual history is interesting enough. It’s more an indictment of American audiences to think authentic Japanese history wouldn’t capture their attention. Anyway, when you spend close to $225 million on what should be a…
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Hops and BOX Office Flops: ‘KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD’
Arthur Begins King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is a dramatic reimagining of the Arthurian legend. It is also evokes much of its director’s hallmark traits. This is Guy Ritchie’s take on King Arthur, for better and for worse. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword was a gamble. Budgeted at $175 million and with five sequels planned, WB had franchise desires in mind for it. With that much at stake, it’s odd they would butcher the edit of the film. Legend of the Sword, for all its insane visuals and Ritchie flair, is a narrative mess. It zooms from plot point to plot point, replacing essential connective tissue with bizarrely narrated montages.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE SORCERER’S APPRENTICE’
Knuckle Bump The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is an ode to Disney’s 1940 film Fantasia. Born from an idea Nicolas Cage had, it builds an entire mythos from that brief section of the aforementioned film. Balthazar Blake, Cage, is a sorcerer searching for the rightful heir to Merlin—his former master. He was given a ring by the legendary wizard as he lie dying. That ring will signal the chosen one, who happens to be a bumbling nerd, Dave (played by Jay Baruchel). Anyway, it’s all fairly silly and dumb, but also decently fun. That is thanks in part to Alfred Molina’s Horvath—the sorcerer who betrayed Merlin and Balthazar, aligning himself with the evil Morgana.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘LEGEND’
Glitter and Bubbles Legend is a bizarre fantasy fever dream—one rife with an excess of pollen, bubbles, and glitter. These things are literally everywhere, folks. They flood the beautiful scenery and are unrelenting. Also unrelenting is the film’s glaring lack of plot. If you kill the unicorns, the world will be cloaked in darkness. That’s the movie. Jack o’ the Green, Tom Cruise, must atone for his mistake of introducing his crush Lili, Mia Sara, to the wonderous creatures by killing the Lord of Darkness, Tim Curry, and taking back the severed alicorn. It’s pretty to look at, wildly dumb, and almost entirely remembered for Curry’s dazzling turn as the Lord…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘KRULL’
Murder Frisbee Krull is a pseudo cult classic. It’s got some kick ass box art and a host of ideas that nostalgia clouds as being awesome. But when revisiting it, neither of those two things amount to much. Why? Well, Krull is chock full world-building. It’s got a Cyclops, a cannibalistic crystal spider, horses whose speed creates a trail of flame, and so much more. But none of them are fleshed out all that well; and most of it is just ripped from better properties. And that’s because Krull was a cash grab—meant to capitalize on the popularity of those other IPs. Fantasy, in particular space operas, were kind of a thing in the late…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘CONAN THE BARBARIAN’
What’s Worst in Life? 2011’s Conan the Barbarian is as bad of a reboot of a classic film as you are going to find. It’s just a mess, folks. Its script is often witless, contradicting itself multiple times; and its cast—as distinguished as some of their careers may be—just don’t fit the roles. Worst of all, Jason Mamoa, who plays the titular hero, just didn’t appear ready to bear the weight of Conan‘s broad sword. As much as the filmmakers purported they wanted to channel the writings of Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan the Barbarian, it more shamelessly robs better films. It should come as no surprise then that this was a massive flop.…