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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘NECESSARY ROUGHNESS’
Welcome to Foot … Balls Necessary Roughness is very much just Major League on the gridiron, featuring a ragtag group of footballers who must rise to the occasion in the face of great adversity. And it’s 100% a 90s gem. Necessary Roughness is sort of the sequel to The Program we never got. In it, the Texas State Armadillos are mired in scandals. As a result, their team has all had their scholarships revoked, leaving the university to cobble together a team of never weres. Enter, Paul Blake, played by the remarkably handsome Scott Bakula. He’s a long forgotten QB who sacrificed his shot at glory to tend to the family farm. Alongside a crew of literal…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DEATH TO SMOOCHY’
Gluten and Laugh Free Death to Smoochy is a black comedy about the ills of child television programming and its clear exploitation of kids for monetary gain. The concept is ripe for the picking. Sadly, Death to Smoochy‘s execution of it is lacking. Neither funny, nor particularly compelling, its a movie devoid of all the essential ingredients of a good comedy. The characters—played at least with enthusiasm by Robin Williams as Rainbow Randolph and Edward Norton, the titular Smoochy—are generally unlikeable. Randolph, who goes through a sort of awakening after losing his prime TV spot, just sort of sucks; and considering none of his self-reflection ever involves acknowledging he was fired for…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ALMOST HEROES’
Drinking Has Its Benefits Almost Heroes is the final leading role of comedy legend Chris Farley. Five months prior to its release, he tragically died of an overdose. With that dark cloud hanging over the film, it’s not altogether surprising it suffered at the box office. On a budget of $30 million, it grossed just $6.1 million. Its 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes probably didn’t help either. For fans of Farley’s work, though, there are things to be enjoyed about Almost Heroes. His trademark high energy and willful disregard for his body on are full display; and the gags are often quite comical as a result. So, Almost Heroes may not be peak Farley,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT’
Mister, Mister Dracula Dead and Loving It is a typical Mel Brooks movie. It’s a spoof of Bram Stoker’s Dracula that’s light on plot, but full of goofy gags and childish humor. Unfortunately, it lacks the biting wit of most Brooks films. Despite the unending charms of comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, who portrays the titular Count, too many of the jokes simply do not land. Critics tend to agree. At 11% on Rotten Tomatoes with 37 reviews, Dracula Dead and Loving It is far from peak Brooks. Sure, there are subtle hints of his brilliance, but not enough to make it stand out. Hence why it also flopped, grossing a woeful $10.7 million…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN’
Toothless Vampire in Brooklyn is the antithesis of funny. Worse, it’s not at all scary either. When assessing who was involved in its production, neither of those statements should be true. Directed by horror master Wes Craven and principally written by Eddie Murphy (the film’s star), the pedigree was there for it to be a comedic-scare fest. Instead, it’s a muddled and confused mess that too often borders on the offensive. Murphy certainly attempts to run back some gags that worked in the past, but they’re all half-baked. The whole exercise just feels lazy. Listeners, there’s just no blood running through Vampire in Brooklyn‘s veins. Hence its soft box office—$35 million worldwide…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE UNBEARABLE WEIGHT OF MASSIVE TALENT’
Nic F’n Cage! The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is an absolute joy bomb for fans of Nicolas Cage. Playing a fictionalized version of himself, Cage delivers a top-tier performance. It should remind everyone that, to summarize his character in the film, he never really went anywhere. This is as thoughtful and well written an ode to the long, winding career of Cage could be. He’s able to channel his younger self; dive headfirst into the neuroses that defined some of his best work; and, all the while, he’s not afraid to laugh at or embrace the more absurd aspects of his acting choices. The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is a…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘OUT COLD’
Playboy Bunny Slope Out Cold is like someone spliced Caddyshack and Mallrats. In principle, that sounds awesome, right? Well, unfortunately, that’s more in terms of concept—a group of shiftless park rats bumming around their place of work—and the presence of a London brother. In Out Cold, it’s Jason, rather than Jeremy. I guess there’s slightly more to it. They do have to save their fledgling ski resort from an evil corporate stooge, John Majors (played by the legendary Lee Majors, how clever). And there’s a baffling love triangle that makes less than a semblance of sense. If this sounds too harsh, I apologize. After all, this wonderful film does contain a polar bear licking salt…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘CLUB DREAD’
Naughty Cal Club Dread—Broken Lizard‘s follow up to Super Troopers—is a riff on 80s slasher films; and it boasts a cast of characters that are eclectic, dumb, horny, and ripe for the picking. This, of course, is anchored by the Broken Lizard crew. There’s Dave, the drug-addled DJ (Paul Soter); Putnam, the buttoned-up tennis coach (Jay Chandrasekhar); Sam, the chief of the Fun Police (Erik Stolhanske); Lars, the smooth-operating new masseuse (Kevin Heffernan); and Juan, the promiscuous dive coach (Steve Lemme). Their characters here are wildly different from their respective turns in Troopers, and not all are created equal. There are a few swings and misses in the bunch. That is entirely forgiven, though, by…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘TIN CUP’
Bland Trap Tin Cup re-teams director Ron Shelton with his Bull Durham star Kevin Costner. The pairing, which was stellar in 1988’s Durham, fails to rediscover the magic of that film. That’s primarily because Roy McAvoy, the titular Tin Cup, just isn’t likable. He’s an obtuse man-child—much more akin to “Nuke” Laloosh than “Crash” Davis. And his foibles, which are on full display throughout, are never adequately addressed. One would be justified in arguing that his growth arc may actually be a negative one. Despite that, there is fun to be had on the back nine, especially if you ignore the forced romance sub-plot; and Tin Cup is at its best when it’s tapping into the more spirited aspects…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘HUDSON HAWK’
Scat Burglar Hudson Hawk is as bold a movie as an A-list star could possibly choose to make. And that’s a compliment. Bruce Willis, most famous for playing gruff cop John McClane, stars as cat burglar Eddie Hawkins—the titular Hudson Hawk. He’s tasked with stealing artifacts crafted by Leonardo da Vinci that are capable of turning lead into gold. On the surface, that sounds like a fairly standard action-centric plot. What it actually entails is anything but. Hudson Hawk boasts a deluge of slapstick tomfoolery; dynamic duets between Willis and Danny Aielo, who plays his partner Tommy Five-Tone; a secret com device crafted out of a crucifix; and a gaggle of candy-themed thugs—one…
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