Television

Review: INHUMANS Episode 3: "Divide and Conquer"

It can only get better from here, folks. 

Right? 

Someone please tell me I’m right…

Hello? Is that you, Existential Void? Don’t just hover there, SAY SOMETHING!

“Divide and Conquer” picks up where Episode 2 left off. The royal family is still divided, Maximus is still making power grabs, and Lockjaw is *still* asleep. Oh, boy.

The lack of any movement or development between Episodes 2 and 3 is striking. As it turns out, Gorgon’s surfer bro pals are ex-military, and the crew decide to stage an ambush for Maximus’ lackeys. Medusa continues her search for Black Bolt by shouting at an ATM to give her money, which eventually leads her to steal clothes and canned goods from someone’s house (and of course, she doesn’t grab a can opener).

Karnak has his wounds nursed by some drug smugglers. Crystal… listens to music on her bed and shouts at the Genetic Council. Black Bolt makes a friend in prison, and it turns out he’s an Inhuman too!

…buuuut the guy was bought off by some fella who wants Black Bolt. How rich.

Oh, and Lockjaw gets hit by an ATV.

…WAIT, WHAT?!?! It’s the *third* episode, and they’re already running over the giant cow dog that’s been sleeping for two episodes! THAT ain’t cool. That is *not* cool! NOT. COOL. It’s like this show is doing everything in the world to make me hate it. Lockjaw has already been sidelined since the pilot, but now they’re inflicting injury on him for no good reason except that the plotting is lazy and cheap.

The dialogue in this episode is so stilted. At one point, Maximus makes a threat to Crystal and then immediately explains the threat to her two seconds later. Nobody does this. Ever. It’s bad writing, plain and simple.

I hated this episode more than I’ve ever hated an episode of television before, but that’s not to say there wasn’t some cool moments. A new character named Mortis is introduced; he’s covered in a protective suit, can fire eye beams, and he has more personality than Cyclops did in the early X-Men films. I’ll be interested to see where they take him from here. Also, um… I guess that was the only cool moment in this episode, wasn’t it?

Yeah. Yeah it was.

LOOK, all I know is Lockjaw better get a dump truck full of Beggin’ Strips® next episode. Goodness knows he deserves two or three truck loads after getting hit by motocross bro.

.5/5

Marvel’s Inhumans airs Fridays at 9|8 central on ABC.

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