Cinema is sacred, and it needs to be protected at all costs. Unfortunately, every now and then, a film comes along, trying to tarnish the art form. Whether it’d be a movie that exists just for advertising purposes, a movie with a CGI’d animal protagonist, or a remake that rips off a masterpiece shot for shot, there are some movies that really make you question why they were ever greenlit – and who exactly greenlit them. Here are 10 of those movies that made me lose hope in cinema.
The Emoji Movie
The Bye Bye Man
When you’re a horror movie called The Bye Bye Man, you’d better poke fun at yourself. But that’s not the case. The Bye Bye Man, whose premise involves a slasher that kills those that think or say his name, sports a bizarrely straight face. The premise is cool enough, but the villain’s name is lol-worthy. This is a film that shoots itself in the foot.
Jack and Jill
Adam Sandler’s face at the top was me during the entirety of Jack and Jill. Look, I get Sandler’s comedic roles had resulted in good box office bank more often than not, but having him wear drag and be purposely irritating had “disaster” written all over it. Sandler’s Jill character instantly grates on your nerves as soon as she shows up. I’d rather jump barefoot on a trampoline filled with LEGO bricks than have to listen to Jill again. Poor Al Pacino, he must’ve been in dire need of a paycheck.
Psycho (1998 remake)
Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho is one of the most influential horror films. Yet, director Gus Van Sant felt the need to not only remake Hitchcock’s masterpiece, but remake it shot-for-shot with Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates? Really? If this isn’t the most unnecessary remake ever made, I don’t know what is.
I remember feeling so bad for Kevin Spacey when this came out in 2016. Man, I wish this came out in 2017 or 2018 instead. The Shaggy Dog, but with a cat, Nine Lives was an embarrassment for all involved. Somehow, this got a theatrical release, probably because it featured the likes of Spacey, Jennifer Garner, and Christopher Walken. It was directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, who did the Men in Black trilogy. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Fred: The Movie
Remember when Fred was the most subscribed channel on YouTube? Those were the days. If you weren’t on YouTube a decade ago, Fred was a six year-old character portrayed by (then) 13 year-old Lukas Cruikshank whose whole appeal (or lack thereof, for many like myself) was his ear-piercingly high-pitched voice. And due to Fred’s popularity at the time, Nickelodeon greenlit an 81-minute movie starring the character. As if my ears weren’t bleeding enough from a 3-minute video…
Halle Berry as Catwoman? Sure. She’s sexy. But Catwoman as a chick flick? With a villain who works for a cosmetics company? It’s a no from me, dawg.
Super Mario Bros
Ah, the Super Mario Bros! Mario and his surrogate son Luigi from Brooklyn who always have to rescue Daisy from Bowser! It was so awesome seeing my favorite street musician Toad, my favorite Velociraptor Yoshi, and my favorite humans with saurian heads, the Goombas represented in a live-action movie! Wait…
I got a trailer for Show Dogs in front of Avengers: Infinity War. When I saw a dog dab in the trailer, my whole life flashed before my very eyes.
The ‘Madea’ franchise
Tyler Perry’s played Madea 8 times. Not one of those 8 movies has had a higher Rotten Tomatoes rating than 37%. And guess what? Tyler Perry’s a Madea Family Funeral is coming next year!
Cinephile, gamer, and sports fan. Fortnite is life. You may know me from Letterboxd.
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