THEORY: Rian Johnson’s Evil Scheme to Ruin Our Childhoods Finally Exposed?

Categories Film

Three years ago this month, I exposed the nefarious scheme orchestrated by the brilliant minds at Marvel to infiltrate the DCEU with their spy Zack Snyder. What I failed to focus on at the time was the organization above Marvel that pulled the strings the entire time: Disney.

Along with my brilliant team of researchers, academics, and investigative journalists, I’ve spent the last three years digging into the shocking secrets Disney hid from us for so long. Disney have recently been recruiting new members, with the latest addition to their empire being Rian Johnson. Yes, that Rian Johnson.

Star Wars: The Last Jedi came out over a year ago, and yet still we must face the repercussions of this tragic event. As we all know, the release of this film was the biggest tragedy on American soil since the release of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, which itself was the biggest tragedy perhaps in the entire world since the tragic loss of the dodo bird.

Note: I’m sorry for the jab at Batman v Superman but all online film-related editorials are legally required to reference that film at least one. I hate it just as much as you do but sadly I don’t make the rules.

Quite frankly, I think it’s safe to say that The Last Jedi’s massive critical and commercial failure was orchestrated by Disney itself. I mean, how can they just unintentionally make the worst movie ever made? Before I get into their motive, I need to discuss the extent of its failure as well as what exactly makes the film so bad.

First of all, The Last Jedi was the worst reviewed film not just in the Star Wars saga but in the entire history of Disney. This is an indisputable fact. While its Rotten Tomatoes and Metacritic scores may seem positive to the common fool, it’s important to remember that critics are not real. They are beings created by our subconscious to represent bad opinions, insincere wokeness, and pseudo-intellectual drivel. This makes sense, because when you think about the concept of people who critique things from a critical point of view, you’d realize that they are biologically incapable of forming real opinions that are not fabricated to fit a social agenda. This is just common sense. In reality, the only people who we can trust are the actual fanboys who are absolutely in no way biased at all.

Now, let’s criticise The Last Jedi a bit. If there’s one thing that the internet needs it’s heroes like myself willing to touch on important cultural issues that others are too afraid to discuss. You’re welcome.


This guy is also kind of a hero. Gotta give him credit.

There are many issues with the Last Jedi that help cement it as one of the worst films ever to exist. The main issue I and many others have with this film is the fact that Snoke wasn’t revealed to be the most important character in the entire saga. That is really upsetting to me because this franchise needs significant new characters who play such a large role in the saga in order to stay fresh and interesting. My second issue is that the character of Rey is given too much importance in the saga and that quite frankly is very unrealistic because it makes no sense that a significant character would be introduced this late into the franchise.

The plot in general is quite bad. There’s a lot of stuff in this movie that doesn’t make any sense at all if you really think about it. I’ve only actually seen the film once, and I didn’t even really understand everything that was going on because I was too distracted by the fact that this movie is unrealistically filled with female characters, but I heard some people on YouTube complain about the plot not making sense so I have to agree with them. This is a major flaw with the film. I won’t get into the minutia of it but I’m sure you all understand.

I can complain about this film all day, but there’s one more significant flaw that I want to touch on. The character of Luke Skywalker was RUINED in this film. Again, this is an indisputable fact. As someone who has watched the Original Trilogy countless times, I feel like I have an intimate knowledge of the character and thus the authority to be able to definitively say how this character should be interpreted. Luke at no point in the Original Trilogy ever did anything wrong at all, nor did he ever talk about his emotions at all. Emotions are for girls. Luke Skywalker was a badass who fought bad guys with his epic lightsaber. That’s it. I can’t be debated on this. I watched the Original Trilogy.

Luke was written to be too flawed in The Last Jedi. Rian Johnson and Disney ruined his character by stripping fans of the one thing they desperately wanted to see from this new trilogy: an elderly Luke Skywalker defeating an entire army of Sith Lords in a thirty minute epic climax. Instead they focused on boring new people like Rey, Llewyn Davis, Rose, and other diverse characters. Making Luke slightly imperfect by having him be tempted by the dark side is very out of character. Us fans only want Luke to be a flawless hero who is purely good.

I think this all leads to one big question: why exactly did Disney hire an incompetent fool like Rian Johnson to desecrate the Star Wars franchise with his bad characterization, lame plot, lack of epic lightsaber duels, horrible jokes, milk drinking, and overabundance of leftist propaganda? I think the reason is quite clear. Disney wanted this movie to fail. They want to ruin our respective childhoods.

Now I know what you might be asking. “But wouldn’t that ruin the franchise and thus cost Disney a lot of money?” Well, no, you ignorant slut. What a dumb question. Seriously.

Disney wants this franchise to fail. It’s as simple as that. Why? That’s like asking why Palpatine is evil. He just is. Deal with it. The Walt Disney Company is evil empire that wants nothing more than to ruin our childhoods and make us miserable. They are the greatest threats to our safety as a nation. I mean, do you really expect anyone other than villains to have their base of operations in a menacing castle?


Look how evil that castle looks. It gives me shivers.

Rian Johnson is just the next phase of their plan. A lot of people don’t know this, but before he directed The Last Jedi, Rian Johnson actually was a scientist working in Disney’s human experimentation department. Hard to believe, I know. This revelation led my team and I to uncover shocking secrets from the United States Patent and Trademark Office that trace back to Rian Johnson.

Under authorization from Bob Iger himself, Rian Johnson utilized his newly patent hypnotic memory-wiping technology to imbue The Last Jedi with radioactive energy capable of shooting invisible laser beams directing into the audience’s eyes at key points throughout the film akin to the ark of the covenant.

This memory-wiping laser technology is capable of hacking into the part of our brain that stores out memories to forcefully remove our past pleasant experiences with the Star Wars saga, thus turning us all into cynical assholes and literally ruining our childhood.


Look at that smug prick.

I can’t say that this has been 100% successful, however. Some people seem to have been capable of withstanding Johnson’s attacks, as they seem to still show passion for the franchise. Others are so stupid that even the lasers can’t stop them from loving The Last Jedi. For normal people like us, our lives have all been ruined by these fateful attacks.

Ever wonder how a film like The Last Jedi could possibly be so bad? These lasers wouldn’t work if they blasted into our eyes during a good film, like The Phantom Menace (which I hated at the time but now think is a masterpiece once people I disliked also started to criticize the film). In order for these lasers to be effective, they had to make the worst film imaginable. Quite frankly, I’d say they succeeded for the most part, and their hypnotic lasers indeed worked on a large amount of the fanbase. Star Wars is now ruined forever, and it’s all Rian Johnson’s fault. Proved with facts and logic.

Professional theorist and outer of spies.