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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘PREDATORS’
Crazy Larry’s Den of Alien Antiquities Predators is the ideal set up for a sequel to the 1987 original. It includes a cast of eclectic mercenaries being pursued by the titular create. Only this time, there are three of them, and it’s on their home turf. Yes, Predators takes us back to lush jungles, which, honestly, are a much more interesting backdrop for the hunt than either LA or a small town. Yet, the setting is not the only good idea this movie brings to the table. You’ve got a Predator blood feud; the conceit that all the nefarious characters dropped into this scenario are on a game preserve; and the loony survivor…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE PREDATOR’
Leaking Spinal Fluid Fans of the franchise, like us, now doubt had high hopes for Shane Black’s The Predator. Black, who’d appeared in the original as Hawkins and even served as a script doctor on set, is a legend of action movie scriptwriting. The Predator, unfortunately, fails in almost every way. The humor is overwritten and overstuffed; the characters are thin and generally unlikeable; the plot makes no sense; and the scars of tumultuous reshoots are painfully evident. The third act seems to connect to an entirely different movie. That makes sense because they did have to reconfigure the whole thing after poor test screenings. But, it renders The Predator a film with no…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘PREDATOR 2’
Pred Harder Predator 2 isn’t a bad movie; it’s just a disappointing one. That’s mainly because it pales in comparison to its predecessor, failing to up the ante in any meaningful way. Sure, there is more gore and curse words, but the narrative is a mess. Predator 2 is just an amalgamation of better movies from the genre with the adversarial alien added to the mix. That works just enough for it not to be a total disaster. But, its failure at the box office can certainly be attributed to its slapdash plot and haphazard direction. Aside from a missing in action Arnold, the most glaring weaknesses of Predator 2 are in the execution of…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE LAST DUEL’
Misogynistic Gladiators Ridley Scott’s The Last Duel depicts the final trial by combat in 14th Century France. The titular duel involved Knight Jean de Carrouges (Matt Damon) and Squire Jacques le Gris (Adam Driver), battling over le Gris’ alleged rape of Carrouges’ wife Marguerite (Jodie Comer). Yes, folks, this is a heavy movie, but it is also a very good one. The sets, the costumes, the acting—which includes a wonderfully sleezy performance from Ben Affleck as Count Pierre d’Alençon—and the action are all top notch. This is Scott at the top of his historical storytelling game. Sadly, though, The Last Duel flopped. Hard. As in, it lie dying as an angry Matt Damon…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ALMOST HEROES’
Drinking Has Its Benefits Almost Heroes is the final leading role of comedy legend Chris Farley. Five months prior to its release, he tragically died of an overdose. With that dark cloud hanging over the film, it’s not altogether surprising it suffered at the box office. On a budget of $30 million, it grossed just $6.1 million. Its 5% rating on Rotten Tomatoes probably didn’t help either. For fans of Farley’s work, though, there are things to be enjoyed about Almost Heroes. His trademark high energy and willful disregard for his body on are full display; and the gags are often quite comical as a result. So, Almost Heroes may not be peak Farley,…
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Hops and BOX Office Flops: ‘KING ARTHUR: LEGEND OF THE SWORD’
Arthur Begins King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is a dramatic reimagining of the Arthurian legend. It is also evokes much of its director’s hallmark traits. This is Guy Ritchie’s take on King Arthur, for better and for worse. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword was a gamble. Budgeted at $175 million and with five sequels planned, WB had franchise desires in mind for it. With that much at stake, it’s odd they would butcher the edit of the film. Legend of the Sword, for all its insane visuals and Ritchie flair, is a narrative mess. It zooms from plot point to plot point, replacing essential connective tissue with bizarrely narrated montages.…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DRACULA DEAD AND LOVING IT’
Mister, Mister Dracula Dead and Loving It is a typical Mel Brooks movie. It’s a spoof of Bram Stoker’s Dracula that’s light on plot, but full of goofy gags and childish humor. Unfortunately, it lacks the biting wit of most Brooks films. Despite the unending charms of comedy legend Leslie Nielsen, who portrays the titular Count, too many of the jokes simply do not land. Critics tend to agree. At 11% on Rotten Tomatoes with 37 reviews, Dracula Dead and Loving It is far from peak Brooks. Sure, there are subtle hints of his brilliance, but not enough to make it stand out. Hence why it also flopped, grossing a woeful $10.7 million…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘MORBIUS’
It’s Morbin’ Time! Morbius is perhaps the most needless comic book movie ever made. Centered around a D-level Spider-Man villain, it lacks several crucial ingredients. First and foremost, Spider-Man is not in Morbius. In fact, contrary to what the trailers will have you believe, he’s barely even mentioned. Thus, it’s just a film about an anti-hero who’s uninteresting. That would be fine if the plot, script, acting, action, or anything, quite frankly, worked. Morbius is a mess. Both the titular vampire and his plot conveniently evil foil, Milo, are paper thin caricatures. Milo, or Lucian played by Matt Smith, is bad because Morbius needs someone to fight. His actions, and that of the plot at…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN’
Toothless Vampire in Brooklyn is the antithesis of funny. Worse, it’s not at all scary either. When assessing who was involved in its production, neither of those statements should be true. Directed by horror master Wes Craven and principally written by Eddie Murphy (the film’s star), the pedigree was there for it to be a comedic-scare fest. Instead, it’s a muddled and confused mess that too often borders on the offensive. Murphy certainly attempts to run back some gags that worked in the past, but they’re all half-baked. The whole exercise just feels lazy. Listeners, there’s just no blood running through Vampire in Brooklyn‘s veins. Hence its soft box office—$35 million worldwide…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘GALLOW WALKERS’
Bladey the Kid Gallow Walkers is wild west Blade, only if Blade was terrible and went straight to DVD. With a $17 million budget, that probably wasn’t the plan. But, shit happens and Gallow Walkers is indeed that unsavory term. It’s sort of a shame because the movie isn’t devoid of interesting ideas. It just executes them poorly, is stuffed with an insane amount of backstory for a 90-minute film, and boasts costumes and sets that look to be straight out of a local theater production. And it doesn’t help that the plot makes very little sense. Wesley Snipes is Aman (“a man”), a drifter who roams the wasteland murdering Gallow Walkers (the undead, sort of). One problem: Anyone…
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