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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘STONE COLD’
Mullets and Motorcycles Stone Cold is a perfect piece of 90s cinema. It’s hyper-masculine, nonsensical schlock; and it is glorious. Starring Brian Bosworth—a stud linebacker from Oklahoma University whose injuries derailed his NFL career—Stone Cold chronicles one man’s struggle to bring a gang of degenerate bikers to justice. Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds. And it’s just entertaining enough that one wonders why Bosworth didn’t become more of a thing. After all, the 80s and 90s were littered with sub-par action films and actors. He had the build, and though he wasn’t exactly overflowing with charisma, he still oozed enough cool with his ridiculous haircut/earring combo to warrant better work…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘KILL THE IRISHMAN’
So Called Mafia Kill the Irishman chronicles the life and turbulent times of Danny Greene, a tough Irishman who gets involved with the Cleveland mafia. As far as gangster flicks go, it’s not half-bad; but that also means it’s generally half-good. That’s because it’s a relatively unfocused look at a rather complicated and violent life. It honestly feels like there’s a good 30 minutes of connective tissue missing from the movie. Hence why Kill the Irishman is never equal to the sum of its parts. Sure, we get appearances from great actors like Val Kilmer, Christopher Walken, and Paul Sorvino. They are just given nothing to do. Greene, who’s played by admirably by Ray…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ROAD HOUSE’
Our Way or the Highway Road House is everything an action movie should be. Its premise is over the top, its plot is utterly nonsensical, and none of the people involved seem to be aware of it. Starring Patrick Swayze, who was fresh off of Dirty Dancing, Road House presents the all too relatable plot of: What if you’re a doorman in a small town run by a vengeful crook? Well, if you’re Dalton (Swayze), you beat the snot out of a lot of people while wearing pleated pants and billowy linen shirts. That’s Road House in a nut shell. Brad Wesley—played by a scenery chewing Ben Gazzara—makes it his personal mission to destroy Dalton’s life,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘DEADBEAT AT DAWN’
Straight Outta Dayton Deadbeat at Dawn is essentially a student film. Jim Van Bebber, Chumpzilla’s childhood neighbor, dropped out of college and used his student loans to fund it. It is unapologetic exploitation cinema from the warped mind of Van Bebber, and it is glorious. It’s violent, obscene, odd, overwritten, and surprisingly boasts action scenes that outshine crap we’ve done on the pod from far more expensive movies. It’s sort of shocking how well done some of it is. Thus, there’s no denying that Deadbeat at Dawn, which cost roughly $10,000, does display Van Bebber’s talent. That said, it is also just sort of a bizarre mishmash of better films—Death Wish and The Warriors,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE MATRIX RESURRECTIONS’
Face-Zucker-Suck The Matrix Resurrections ushers us back into the false and hollow reality that is the Matrix. It’s been 18 years since we’ve entered the virtual dystopia. And the last time we were thrust into its oppressive confines, the results were less than stellar. 1999’s original two sequels sort of divided general audiences. The visuals and exceptional stunts were still there, but the message was lost in translation. As for The Matrix Resurrections, it is not the hit the first one was, but it’s certainly not the other two either. It goes back more to the basics, centering the story around the inextricable bond between Neo (Keanu Reeves) and Trinity (Carrie-Anne Moss). This, of course,…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘END OF DAYS’
Satan’s a Choir Boy Compared to Arnold End of Days was Arnold Schwarzenegger’s triumphant return to the big screen after a two-year hiatus. Suffice to say, it was an odd choice of comebacks. End of Days centers around Satan’s quest to bring about, well, the end of days by consummating his relationship with the woman destined to be the mother of his child. It certainly has action scenes, but it’s more religious horror than anything else—unfamiliar fare for Arnold. The fisticuffs and shooting it does contain are a little underwhelming, as are its scarier elements. Basically, the film has an identity crisis. So despite my love for it—which I admit is rooted deeply…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘8-BIT CHRISTMAS’
Super Merry-O 8-Bit Christmas chronicles a boy’s quest to get a Nintendo Entertainment System (NES) for Christmas in 1988. That plot evokes memories of both A Christmas Story—which it clearly pays homage to—and How I Met Your Mother—a show also starring one Neil Patrick Harris. As a more modern take on the familiar tale of a child’s quest to attain what his parents are reluctant to get, 8-Bit Christmas doesn’t feel entirely fresh; but that doesn’t make it any less fun or nostalgic for those who grew up grinding away on the NES. This is a film built for kids of the 80s. Yet it also has a spirit of adventure sure to please the…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘ALMOST HEROES’
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘OUT COLD’
Playboy Bunny Slope Out Cold is like someone spliced Caddyshack and Mallrats. In principle, that sounds awesome, right? Well, unfortunately, that’s more in terms of concept—a group of shiftless park rats bumming around their place of work—and the presence of a London brother. In Out Cold, it’s Jason, rather than Jeremy. I guess there’s slightly more to it. They do have to save their fledgling ski resort from an evil corporate stooge, John Majors (played by the legendary Lee Majors, how clever). And there’s a baffling love triangle that makes less than a semblance of sense. If this sounds too harsh, I apologize. After all, this wonderful film does contain a polar bear licking salt…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘HOME SWEET HOME ALONE’
Make It Stop Home Sweet Home Alone is the epitome of a lazy, soulless rehash; and, quite frankly, it is the antithesis of how you leverage a valuable IP. Disney should be ashamed. With their abundance of resources, they trotted out not only one of the worst films of the year, it’s one of the worst of the decade. Home Sweet Home Alone is never funny. It is quite often painful, though, and that’s not including the myriad of death traps the “burglars” are forced to endure. I use quotes because the “antagonists” are anything but that. They’re actually just a struggling family attempting to retrieve a priceless doll they believe to be…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘TERMINATOR GENISYS’
Rotten Member Berries Terminator Genisys is a hodgepodge of ideas from more beloved Terminator films. It gives us the gruff and tough Sarah Connor, as well as the sleek and dangerous T-1000; and it even features an Arnold versus Arnold face-off in 1984 amid the familiar backdrop of the original T-800’s arrival. There’s only one issue: None of it particularly works. Terminator Genisys feels more like half-baked fan fiction than it does a coherent narrative. Thus, despite how much we all love those elements and moments from the prior movies, they come across as shameless pandering here. Pair that with a convoluted script that hops through time more often than Dr. Sam Beckett, and…
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