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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE LONE RANGER’
Wendigo Hammer The Lone Ranger is a modern adaptation of the popular 1930s radio series, as well as the late 1940s/1950s television show. It features a masked hero, the titular one, and his trusty Native American sidekick, Tonto. After decades of inaction, Disney went big to bring the duo back. They re-teamed Gore Verbinski with Johnny Depp—who’d collaborated on the first three Pirates of the Caribbean movies; and they essentially wrote the director a blank check. In retrospect, that was a mistake, as was Depp’s baffling decision to play Tonto. With a budget ranging from $225 to $250 million, its modest $260.5 million take was disastrous for the House of Mouse. Depending on who…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: “ED”
Monkey Trouble Ed is a movie centering around a chimpanzee who just so happens to be exceptional at baseball. As a concept, that sounds ridiculous, but kids movies have worked with that conceit—take Air Bud as an example. But Ed is a travesty. Plain and simple. It’s unfunny, nonsensical schlock, and it probably killed the notion that Matt LeBlanc could be bankable as a leading man. The film’s failings are not his fault. As devoid of charm as he may be in it, it’s just a rudderless enterprise. Other than the novelty of a chimp—who once belonged to Mickey Mantle—having a golden glove, there’s a distinct lack of focus. Ed ping pongs between plot points we’ve…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘SIDE OUT’
Sponsored by MetLife Side Out—which stars C. Thomas Howell and Peter Horton as Monroe Clark and Zack Barnes—is the quintessential beach volleyball movie. There is a distinct lack of competition in that field, but regardless, it is a 1990s filmmaking delight. The central conceit of Side Out is that Clark, an aspiring lawyer, comes to California to intern for his uncle Max—an unscrupulous attorney who’s always out for money. This fortuitously leads him to Barnes, an aging and disgraced former “King of the Beach.” From there, it’s magic. All of it. From the Kenny Loggins needle drop, to the ultra 90s aesthetic, to the incredible montages, Side Out is so bad it actually transcends its…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘THE PROGRAM’
Place at the Table The Program is a highly embellished glimpse at the perils of big time collegiate football. The prioritization of wins over the actual molding of young minds is at its center, but so is football’s innate ability to form lasting bonds. The men who take the field put their bodies on the line for each other. It’s a brotherhood. It nails both of those aspects. The shadiness of the folks in charge is omnipresent; and the central cast of characters is relatable. Their foibles, as cliché as they may be, are distinctly human. You’ve got the young upstart running back Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), whose education entering college…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘LAST MAN STANDING’
No, Not the Tim Allen Show Last Man Standing is the American reimagining of Akira Kurosawa’s Yojimbo (1961), though it wasn’t the first reinterpretation. The Spaghetti Western A Fist Full of Dollars (1964) had tread this ground before—a man with no name caught up in the exacerbating violence of warring gangs. Unlike the Italian-produced film, Last Man Standing was given Kurosawa’s blessing. Unfortunately, it can’t replicate either of its predecessors results. Directed by Walter Hill, it’s a movie that struggles mightily to present a coherent story. Sure, it revolves around Irish and Italian mobsters vying for bootlegging dominance in a remote Texas town, but what happens around that is often nonsensical. That is no fault of the…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘HUDSON HAWK’
Scat Burglar Hudson Hawk is as bold a movie as an A-list star could possibly choose to make. And that’s a compliment. Bruce Willis, most famous for playing gruff cop John McClane, stars as cat burglar Eddie Hawkins—the titular Hudson Hawk. He’s tasked with stealing artifacts crafted by Leonardo da Vinci that are capable of turning lead into gold. On the surface, that sounds like a fairly standard action-centric plot. What it actually entails is anything but. Hudson Hawk boasts a deluge of slapstick tomfoolery; dynamic duets between Willis and Danny Aielo, who plays his partner Tommy Five-Tone; a secret com device crafted out of a crucifix; and a gaggle of candy-themed thugs—one…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘F9: THE FAST SAGA’
Space Cars! F9: The Fast Saga—as utterly absurd as it is—is the natural progression of a series that’s always running on overdrive. Dominic Toretto, Vin Diesel, and co. were destined for this film’s convoluted, bloated, and baffling narrative. Now, those may sound like knocks against it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I just don’t care how illogical the plots of these films have become. They are just too much damn fun. Dom has a secret spy brother? Sure. Why they hell not?! Magnets! How do they work? Doesn’t matter. Just bask in the awesomeness of the high octane action! Han, who was killed twice technically in cannon, returns out…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘LEGEND’
Glitter and Bubbles Legend is a bizarre fantasy fever dream—one rife with an excess of pollen, bubbles, and glitter. These things are literally everywhere, folks. They flood the beautiful scenery and are unrelenting. Also unrelenting is the film’s glaring lack of plot. If you kill the unicorns, the world will be cloaked in darkness. That’s the movie. Jack o’ the Green, Tom Cruise, must atone for his mistake of introducing his crush Lili, Mia Sara, to the wonderous creatures by killing the Lord of Darkness, Tim Curry, and taking back the severed alicorn. It’s pretty to look at, wildly dumb, and almost entirely remembered for Curry’s dazzling turn as the Lord…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘KRULL’
Murder Frisbee Krull is a pseudo cult classic. It’s got some kick ass box art and a host of ideas that nostalgia clouds as being awesome. But when revisiting it, neither of those two things amount to much. Why? Well, Krull is chock full world-building. It’s got a Cyclops, a cannibalistic crystal spider, horses whose speed creates a trail of flame, and so much more. But none of them are fleshed out all that well; and most of it is just ripped from better properties. And that’s because Krull was a cash grab—meant to capitalize on the popularity of those other IPs. Fantasy, in particular space operas, were kind of a thing in the late…
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Hops and Box Office Flops: ‘CONAN THE BARBARIAN’
What’s Worst in Life? 2011’s Conan the Barbarian is as bad of a reboot of a classic film as you are going to find. It’s just a mess, folks. Its script is often witless, contradicting itself multiple times; and its cast—as distinguished as some of their careers may be—just don’t fit the roles. Worst of all, Jason Mamoa, who plays the titular hero, just didn’t appear ready to bear the weight of Conan‘s broad sword. As much as the filmmakers purported they wanted to channel the writings of Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan the Barbarian, it more shamelessly robs better films. It should come as no surprise then that this was a massive flop.…
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