Five Things DC Films Must Do to Make Up for BvS (According to the Internet)

The following editorial reflects in the
views of the staff of Watchtower of Babel in total. We spoke on this and agreed to everything
within.

Okay! So, Batmurder
-v- Stupidman: Yawn of Justice bombed in theaters.

Sure it’s
only been out in fourteen days and sure it had the biggest opening in March
ever and yeah it’s already made more money in that time than Man of Steel’s entire theatrical run
but guys… We all know it bombed. We just
know. I mean, I saw it four times in
theaters but that was just four times, if it was great I’d probably have seen
it like eight or nine times easy.

So what can
we do?

Well, it’s
pretty obvious but we’re going to spell it out for you:

1) Cancel Suicide
Squad and Wonder Woman and burn
all the film: We have to start fresh guys.
I’m sorry to David Ayer and Patty Jenkins, but you have the stink of
Hack Snyder’s Influence all over your films so they have to go. We have to atone for the sin of creating an
ambitious and controversial movie that ~~some people~~ everyone hated we’re going to have to make some big gestures. Therefore, live on international television
we will strike the sets of Wonder Woman and burn all the film from both movies
while Jenkins and Ayer watch. Preferably
in the stocks.

2) Zack Snyder, Geoff Johns, Ben Affleck and
Henry Cavill are to be flogged and exiled: There’s no way around it, you
guys made this mess and you need to pay the price for it. So, we’re going to bring back both flogging
and exile, and I don’t just mean exile from the film industry, we’ll be sending
you to live in the far northern reaches of Alaska. You will never again darken our lives with
your presence.

3) Justice
League will still be made, after some changes: The internet has spoken, kids and we need a new
director and writer. Not merely because
Hack Snyder was so terrible, but because he’s exiled to the wilds of
Alaska. So let’s make this into a
positive. We’re going to have a whole
new philosophy. Everybody knows that
Warner Brothers had a strict “No Jokes” policy in their DC movies. I mean why else would Suicide Squad need
massive reshoots? (No, not to pick up
footage on action scenes like action movies do all the time, apologist!)

So, DC Films new philosophy will be “Nothing but
Jokes! All the time!” To set the tone Watchtower recommends hiring
Todd Phillips to direct Justice League and commission a script from Jon Lucas
and Scott Moore. Who better to make a
light-hearted romp out of the Founding Seven than the creative force behind The Hangover?

But with Cavill and Affleck thankfully fighting
Polar Bears alongside Snyder and Johns in their exile we need some fresh blood
to play the World’s Finest Heroes.
Watchtower’s got you covered.
Taking over as Big Blue is a literal Superman and his name is John Cena!

As for the Caped Crusader, well come on guys isn’t
it obvious? He’s in every fancast ever
so he must be perfect; Nathan Fillion!
This movie will probably make a billion dollars in its opening weekend
especially if they get Zack Galifinakis for Lex Luthor.

4) Connect the TV Universes to the Movies baby!
That’s right! If there’s one thing that makes good movies, it’s
television! It worked for Star Trek: The
Next Generation right? Remember, all those dry, dull movies about Picard and Data!
Before they ruined it with those JJ Abrams movies! We can do that with DC, now!

First up, Arrow:
The Movie! We can finally have
Oliver and Felicity looking love-struck at each other in full IMAX
glory! Think of it! We’ll follow it up with Grant Gustin as the Flash.
Who needs one of the finest up and coming dramatic actors in
Hollywood? Who cares if Ezra Miller
seems like the perfect person to bring passion to the project?

Trust me, no one cares that Ezra and Grant have been
completely supportive of each other in the role they now share. We’ve already seen Grant Gustin and he’s
good. Why gamble when you can play it
safe?

5) If all else fails, sell DC Comics to Marvel
films. I mean they’ve done
everything absolutely perfect, they are clearly the only ones qualified to make
super hero movies. Plus we’d finally
have a uniform tone in all superhero movies.
There would never be any surprises, no challenges to per-conceived
notions, just bland plots and fan-service all the way to the bank.

Sigh…

Listen guys, I get that it’s not a
perfect movie. I get accept and even
applaud you if you went into the movie with an open mind and were disappointed
but this really has to stop. We cannot
have a moment’s peace when it comes to BvS it seems. Just today I saw an article that talking
about Warner turning a three-hundred million dollar profit on this movie and it
was worded as though it’s a three hundred million dollar loss.

Would I like for everyone to have
loved the movie as much as I did? Yes. Would I have liked it to shatter box office
records even more than it did? Absolutely. But let’s not pretend that everyone loves
everything. (Despite thinking the world of Robert Downey Jr as an actor I hate the Iron Man movies,
for example.) Nor should we even want
that. The kind of movies that every man
woman and child love when they come out are often lost to the sands of
time.

If you didn’t like the movie,
fine. You are welcome to hate it even
but you are not the whole of humanity.
Plenty of people enjoyed the movie to an equal level to your lack of
enjoyment and there’s people all over the spectrum between us. That used to be allowed.

So, we’ve all spoke our mind. Chances are we’re not going to change anyone else’s minds
so let’s just shake hands and go our separate ways.